Sailor Hidan
by Dancing Feather
Summary: “In the name of Jashin, I'll *censor* punish you!” Kankuro could only wish this was a dream. Come to think of it, Kakuzu wished it was too. :oneshot of very strong crack:


Masashi Kishimoto owns the Naruto part. Naoko Takeuchi owns the Sailor bit. Together, I created... Hell. If you see any spelling or grammatical errors please correct me.

* * *

**Sailor Hidan  
**"In the name of Jashin, I'll fucking punish you!"

Kakuzu was seriously considering on removing his ears. It would solve so many problems. Like, for instance, he wouldn't have to hear this woman shrieking her head off as he stuffed another bag to the brim with valuables like jewelry, artifacts, IOUs and money. Especially money. Jewelry and such was only a nuisance as it didn't sell fast enough for Kakuzu's liking for more money. Money money money. To not emphasize how much Kakuzu loved money will somehow make him out of character.

"Shut up or I'll kill you." he hissed at her, but then decided that giving this woman an option was too troublesome and so used a thread to stab her straight in her Cerebral cortex and ripped the left side of her face right off. The silence was beautiful and Kakuzu welcomed it with a grunt as the newly bloodied thread strip-searched the new corpse for valuables. So much for Pain-sama's orders of a no kill count. _'He should of thought of that before he sent us.' _He thought, devoid of much caring. It was then something horrible/wonderful suddenly happened-

It depends if you like Kakuzu or not.

An almost perfect heist abruptly ended when he set off several dozen explosion tags, throwing him across the bank. His nicely stuffed stash suffered a lethal blow as the brown cloth ripped scattering priceless artifacts and things that had prices- like money flew all over the broken floor.

Having removed something called 'nerves' from his body, Kakuzu didn't really feel the damage the explosives distributed to him. But he certainly realized the effects. Most of him was a black bloody mess of cords and string. As he tried to reassemble himself, he realized that standing in front of him was a very rigid figure. It took a moment for Kakuzu to realize that the figure wasn't breathing.

"You've got quite an ego and a large helping of guts for you to try to steal from a Sand nin's treasury." A young man's voice was heard echoing through the bank. The wooden figure twitched as a poisonous barb protruded from it's mouth. "And you will pay dearly for the lives lost." Kakuzu was about to tell the kids how much he didn't give a damn, but another explosion shook the poor bank. Green pupil-less eyes widened as the puppet removed it's weapon in time to catch a teen in black pajamas. "What the hell?" The boy growled as he jumped from his puppet's arms. "Who's there?" he ordered.

"Since you so kindly fucking asked," a voice chirped from the shadows, "I'll tell you."

Kakuzu groaned.

Hidan walked forth from the rubble, holding his cloak over his left shoulder, his scythe on the right with a large smirk adorned on the place on his face where the mouth is. "We are the Akatsuki Senshi!" he said to the boy who is so obviously Kankuro why doesn't the author admit it, "I am for fucking pain and mayhem! I am... Sailor Hidan!" the younger transvestite rose an eyebrow at the blonder transvestite as he threw his cloak aside and stroke a pose with his weapon, "And in the name of Jashin, I'll fucking punish you!"

"Who the hell is Jashin?" was Kankuro's last words before Hidan shouted the fated ones,

"JASHIN-PRISM... POWER!"

And the sky went dark.

Along with Kankuro's innocence.

While everything else had overcast, for some reason despite being indoors with no working electricity a red spotlight shined down on Hidan as a circle with a triangle formed underneath him. Already partially naked, his pants ripped away immediately, causing Kankuro to shriek in horror as black, white and red bubbles and sparkles encased Hidan head to toe. Kakuzu, who's already seen the sight more than he could care to count, as that would run into his time that he could spend into counting his money, was wondering why nobody attacked when Hidan was at his most weakened state. As the symbol disappeared from underneath Hidan and the lighting returned to it's natural desert state, Hidan's sailor uniform was revealed.

A silver head thing, what was it called... a tiara? Had a black stone holding the red Jashin symbol adorned his head with metal spikes sticking out just in case Hidan felt like head-butting his victim. The spike heels were a black knee high continuing the spike theme with red stripes. The black skirt has thick white frilly ends with a big red bow tied in the back with small bells attached at the ends. The front of the skirt had the Jashin symbol on the front. And black Gloves that stretched to the elbows. Yes, all of that, and not wearing a shirt.

So basically a sailor scout uniform with a heavy metal theme.

"I'll never drink again," Kankuro whimpered as a two headed cat made of cabbage ran past him and to Kakuzu.

"You certainly took yourself out on this one." the white head growled.

"I can't wait to see what he'll make of puppet boy!" the black head giggled.

"Look, can't you just hand me my damn leg?" Kakuzu groaned as the fight began.

After witnessing a sight like that, Kankuro wasn't going to mess around. He released all of his puppets, wanting to finish the sailor man as fast as possible. Not exactly holding the element of surprise anymore, the pajama ninja was finding himself getting owned by a dude in a tutu. Kidding! Hidan was getting his ass handed to him. He specialized in close combat, and Kankuro specialized in very far away combat. And because Hidan didn't have much covering his body, he got stabbed several times with the poisonous barbs. It got to the point where his movements were very slow and three puppets looked like sixteen.

"Useless." Said one head of the cabbage cat.

"Very useless." Said the second head.

"But funny." Kakuzu said in amusement, enjoying Hidan's pain more than Hidan was at this moment.

It was then, as Kankuro was about to put Hidan in the puppet coffin in a trying to be dramatic fashion, that an orange rose pierced the head of one of the puppets. Kankuro took a step back as the head clattered to the ground.

"Who's there?" He bit his lower lip as his eyes scanned his surroundings wildly.

"Hello!" Said a cheerful male voice behind him. Kankuro whipped around to see some black cloaked dude wearing an orange mask. "I'm Tuxedo Orange Mask!" He then held out a hand in a shaking gesture, "But you can call me Tobi!" Before Kankuro could do anything else, Tobi took one of his hands and shook it rigorously.

Hidan gurgled something about poison eating his brain.

"So why such a weird title?" Kankuro asked nervously.

"Because I do things like this!" Tobi giggled as he grabbed Kankuro's shoulders and ripping him in half, somehow proving his point.

The action was almost as baffling as Tobi's true identity- SPOILERS, DUMBLEDORE KILLS SNAPE.

"Well now that's done and over with," Kakuzu stood up, somewhat tipsy with a half ass sewing job, "help me pick up the cash."

"Whatever you want!" Tobi said excitedly and he jumped down to collect all the sparkly stuff.

"That's it?" The white cat rolled his eyes.

"Are you going to let me eat him?" The black cat liked his lips at the fresh corpse.

"Go ahead." Kakuzu pulled out another bag for valuable junk, "I don't fucking care."

Hidan felt ignored.

Kankuro felt dead.

* * *

"And that's x-amount of time reading you are never getting back." growled Gaara as he slammed the old maroon book closed. "Go to bed Naruto."

Naruto did not respond.


End file.
